Tuesday, November 28, 2017

Reflections on Limitations

This month was a long month. Not much went as planned. I didn't even make 5k for NaNo, posting fell off the map for a while, and not much reading happened. In "real life", my apartment fell apart, my mood sagged into a pit of self-misery, and my temper flashed short.

I don't have a good reason for it. There are some things I can point fingers at that made life difficult--the loss of a pet, a stressful, changing environment at what was already a high-tension workplace, putting in extra hours at work, fighting off a cold, or a half dozen other things. Some of those reasons are good reasons to take a moment, regroup, and reflect on life. Other parts, well, those parts are just life. Those were parts of life that I was capable of handling like a mature adult, but found every lame reason not to do so.

Instead, I found myself curled under the covers, binge watching TV while eating junk food, and dreading the work next day because I "couldn't" do anything else.

In short, I allowed myself to set fake limitations on what I could do and lived comfortably within those bounds, bemoaning how awful things had become.

Have a good attitude going into work? Nope. So and so was downright dreadful yesterday. I can't bear to work with her while having a good attitude. Who works 55 hours and comes into work with a good attitude one day later? Not me. 

Writing during some spare time at home? I'm already behind on NaNo. I'll never catch up. So what's the point of trying? It's a stupid story anyway. I've never finished something to the point of publishing it. Why do I keep trying?

Journaling? Does it even help? Why should I try? I'm so tired, and it's a waste of time. 

Clean the apartment? Tomorrow. I don't have energy today. I just want to lay here. Tomorrow I'll do better. How about today? Tomorrow. I still don't feel great. I don't have enough time after work. Even 15 minutes to do it will take too long. 

Take the dog on an extra walk because he's antsy? I'd probably feel better, but it's too cold. Maybe tomorrow. 

It quickly became a self-fulfilling prophecy of unproductivity and unachievement. I can't do that. It's too hard. Nobody even expects that of me. Why would I try? It's easier not to try. 

Too hard. Can't do it. Won't do it.

How many times are our perceived limitations just that--perceptions? What if we sat down, took a good look at ourselves, and asked what we could really do if we set our minds to it, if we let go of our comfortable limitations?

Now, I'm not saying that you should push yourself over the brink of insanity. The first two days of the month, I was legitimately taking some time for self care. As the month's gone on, I've been sleeping a lot, not out of sloth but because I can't even keep my eyes open at work as I fight off the latest bug that's been floating around. Pounding out NaNo words after getting out of work at 3 AM wouldn't have been a great choice in the interest of me being a functioning human being the next day. There's a time for self care and reasonableness and I trust you (and myself) to respect the limits we do truly have.

What I'm asking is, what if we push through the limits that we set in front of ourselves because going outside those limits would break our comfort zones?

What if we dared to clean our room because it needed done and we had a moment? What if we didn't hold back, even though we've always had a messy room so why change now?

What if we exercised even though we didn't feel like it and we never did exercise much anyways? Would we surprise ourselves by how far we could run? (If you're me, the answer is yes. Though, you may also be surprised by how much your calves burn the next day.)

What if we determined to show up to work with a smile on our face in spite of the slights our coworkers had given us, in spite of the stress, and in spite of the hours we've worked?

Our limitations are often a result of what we expect of ourselves. We expect to keep a messy room because we've always done that. We expect to not write because we haven't written the past three days. We expect to be grumpy at work because it's been a hard week. Then, rather than exceeding those expectations, we limit ourselves.

It hurts to push past expectations and limitations. We have to give up a part of ourselves that we've become attached to, begun to identify with. We have to give up our identity as someone who was never good at organizing. We have to give up our self-loathing over the fact that we can't write as often as we want. We have to give up our entitlement to grumpiness and brooding at work.

A lot of people in books became heroes because they did what "couldn't" be done. No one could reasonably expect to hit the exhaust port on the Death Star--after all, it's impossible, even for a computer. But Luke didn't let that stop him from giving it a go.

You don't simply walk into Mordor. Not with 10,000 men could you enter and destroy the Ring. But a three foot hobbit set out without knowing whether Mordor was left or right.

Likewise, working people can't possibly self-publish a book, or keep a clean house, or exercise, or do other things they love. People working long hours can't possibly muster a good attitude on a Monday.

Yet people do it all the time.

We scoff and wonder how they do it, say it must be fake, wonder what else they're doing to do what they do, and allow ourselves to whisper, I could never do that. 

That whisper becomes our safe haven, our justification for our limitations. I'm not like them. I can't do it. I'm not strong enough, old enough, smart enough, tough enough, resourceful enough... the list goes on.

But what if we told that voice to stuff a sock in it and gave it a shot anyways?

You're out of shape. You're not mentally tough enough to run 2 miles anymore. Oh yeah? I'll run 4. And this time, I'll take a hot bath so I don't gimp around for two days.

You just drove for two hours. Nobody expects you to clean the dishes in the apartment, so why don't you just be lazy and let them sit? Because the place has been messy too long and I have the time to clean, that's why. I'll do the dishes and clean my closet, too.

Your  workplace is full of people with awful attitudes. Nobody would notice if you picked up on the same tone. It's easier that way. Maybe it's easier, but it's not who I want to be. It's not who God wants me to be. I can at least come in with a smile on my face and be ready to work. I can learn from anyone, even if they can be condescending. I can be pleasant and professional, so I 'm going to be.

Why write if you're never going to get published? You've never finished anything. Maybe I haven't. But maybe I just haven't found the right story yet. And if writing helps me process life, it isn't a lost cause.

You're never going to be the smartest, or the toughest, or the best technician, or a best selling writer. Why bother? Because even though I might not be the best of the best, I can be the best of me. And I know I'm going to fall on my face and leave dishes in the sink and complain at work and not exercise and not write in spite of my best intentions, but I'm not going to let that become my norm. I'm not going to set those limitations on myself, even when I fail and fulfill only my basest expectations for myself. When that happens, I'm going to ask for grace and mercy from my Father, who knows all my failings and all my potentials. I'm going to ask Him for forgiveness and the grace to do better.

And then I'm going to dust off my bloody knees, pick up my pen, roll up my sleeves, stick a smile on my face and tell that stupid little voice in my head to go fly a kite instead of telling me what I can and can't do.

Friday, November 24, 2017

Reflections on Thanksgiving

This week is Thanksgiving week in the U.S. It's a time where we remember our history, but also a time for reflection on the many blessings that we've been given. While it's a state-instituted holiday, many churches take the time to offer an extra service in special observation of gratitude for God's many blessings. Today's thoughts come from my pastor's sermon this past Sunday in preparation for the week, as well as some of my own personal thoughts from the past month or so (which hasn't been easy).

I'll be the first to admit that I'm not a naturally thankful person. It takes effort to remind myself to be grateful for the many blessings that I've been given. Perhaps this unsettledness is a result of my striving for greater things and dreaming big. I'm always planning my next project, my next goal, my next hobby. And it seems I never have the time, the energy, the money, or the right mood to do what I want, even as an adult with a well-paying job.

I get sucked up in what I don't have. On the late shift? I don't have evenings to make dinner. On the early shift? I don't have time to work out or work around the house. (Keep in mind these shifts are the same length of time and only two hours different).

Just got a big paycheck, but I couldn't do what I wanted because I spent the extra time at work. Just got a small paycheck but couldn't do what I wanted to do because I didn't have the extra money.

It's too cold. Too hot. Too rainy. Too muddy. Too dark.

I don't have enough time to write a full NaNo novel, so I won't write at all. I don't have enough time to clean the apartment all at once, so I'll waste an hour on Facebook instead of starting cleaning even a little bit.

There's a parable that Jesus told to the disciples--commonly referred to as the parable of the talents. A master is leaving on a trip and he entrusts three of his servants with varying sums of money. The one with the most doubles his money, as does the one with the second most (albeit for a smaller overall sum). The third, however, hides his money in the ground.

In short, he goes about his life as though he's been given nothing from his master.

Perhaps the servant wanted more. Perhaps he wanted something different. But rather than using what he had, he disdained the gift he had been given and acted like he had nothing--even though he had quite a lot.

I'd never heard this interpretation of the parable, but it struck me pretty hard. Just like that servant, I'm frequently focused on what I don't have--a romantic relationship, a new car, as much time as I would like, or as much money as I would like. Lacking those things, I often neglect to be thankful for what I do have and appreciate them to the fullest.

I might not have a boyfriend, but I have some great friends. I don't have a new car, but my car runs great and I can use it to help other people, like so many helped me when I didn't have a car. I don't have a ton of free time, but I do have time to do the things I enjoy and to give back. I might not have time to write an entire novel this November, but I could still write a few chapters. I might not have as much money as I would like, but I have more than I did when I was a student, and I can use those funds for things I enjoy and to give back to my church and other ministries that I care about.

I can be grateful and thankful for the many, many blessings I've been given, and actually act like the exist, rather than focusing on what I don't have.

I've been focused on what I don't have for a long time, but I want to change my focus to what I have been given.

Long day at work? I have a few hours now to relax and use for what needs done most.

Don't have $50 extra dollars for new arrows this paycheck? I can still save up and maybe buy them next paycheck.

Don't have great story inspiration? I still have time to sit down and jot a few words on the page.

Don't have energy to read half a book to review tonight? I can still read a few chapters.

Too cold out? I have a coat that I can wear that will help with that.

God's blessed me with more things than I can count--a great family, some amazing friends, good health, a funny dog, a good job, a running car, time to relax, a warm apartment, food on the table...and so many things that I can't even begin to fathom.

More than that, he's given us His Son, Jesus, who has freed us from sin, death, and the devil. We can either act like that gift means nothing to us or we can act like it does. And even when we don't, we can still turn to Him in repentance. He is still faithful and offers us forgiveness, even when we are faithless. And that's definitely something to be thankful for.


Happy Thanksgiving.

Friday, November 17, 2017

The Bibliophile Sweater Tag

This tag was shamelessly stolen from Josiah over at The Steadfast Pen. If you haven't visited his blog yet, you should definitely check it out. He has some great perspectives on Christian writing and also shares some hilarious snippets from his early writing. 




As always with tags, there are rules to follow. Or are they more like guidelines?

1. Give the person who tagged you an endless supply of cookies. (Since I tagged myself, can I still do this?)
2. Answer the questions and use the blog graphic. 
3. Pass along the tag (since I'm following the pirate code and these are more guidelines than actual rules, feel free to pirate this tag from me).
4. Wear a sweater. Does wearing one yesterday count?

Fuzzy Sweater--The Epitome of Comfort
For this book, I'm going to pick A Wrinkle in Time. I know that I bring it or LotR up in pretty much every bookish tag that I do, but I can't help myself. It just really picks me up when I'm feeling blue--just like a fuzzy sweater.

Striped Sweater-A Book which you Devoured Every Line
It's going to sound weird, but Ender's Game. I read it on my Kindle and I think about a third of the book is highlighted."Perhaps it's impossible to wear an identity without becoming what you pretend to be," is one of my favorites.

Ugly Christmas Sweater--Book with a Weird Cover
Even  though I loved the book, I'm going to have to go with this version of Daughter of Light. It makes more sense once you've read the book, but it's still weird. 

Cashmere Sweater--Most Expensive Book
I didn't buy it, but the most expensive one I own is a really nice copy of LotR that my parents got me for my 21st birthday. 

Hoodie--Favorite Classic
To veer away from LotR, I'll say A Journey to the Center of the Earth, by Jules Verne.

Cardigan--Book Purchased on Impulse
Most recently, The Chronicles of Riddick. I actually enjoyed it a fair bit.

Turtleneck Sweater--Book from Your Childhood
Pippi Longstocking. I'll still read it if I've had a bad day and it doesn't fail to cheer me up.

Homemade Knitted Sweater--Indie Book
I've reviewed a number of Indie books on the blog, so I went searching for one that I haven't given much publicity through book reviews, buttons, or multiple books reviewed in a series. I rediscovered The Collar and the Cavvarach, which I would definitely recommend.


V-neck Sweater--A Book that Didn't Meet Your Expectations
The Messengers: Discovered. I really wanted to like it, but I didn't. It had all the things wrong with Christian apocalyptic fiction and even the spot-on theology wasn't enough to save it. I partially set it up for failure because many of my friends on the internet really enjoyed it and I therefore had similar expectations, especially considering that it came from a publishing house that I trust (albeit more for non-fiction). I'm still debating on reading the sequel.

Argyle Sweater--Book with a Weird Format
I hate myself for even writing the title of this book. Pilgrim at Tinker Creek. Apologies if you like it. My opinion on it is that someone was eating far too many mushrooms in the woods. It was the 70's, after all. 

Polka Dot Sweater--A Book with Well-Rounded Characters
There are quite a few that I could pick for this one, but I'm going to choose A Cast of Stones, by Patrick W. Carr.

What would you answer for some of these questions? 

Feel free to steal the tag!

Friday, November 10, 2017

Just Dropping By

Hi folks,
Sorry for the quietude on the blog lately. Between some matters in my personal life, an increasing work schedule, and some other issues, writing for NaNo (and the blog) has taken a bit of a back seat for the moment.
Thanks for your patience! I hope to get back to posting and NaNo'ing soon.
R.M.